Four Ways to Leave your Lover
The song talks about fifty ways, but we advise you that in the world of separation, divorce and family work on which our Family Law Department advises, there are really only four. This article looks at some of the pros and cons of each.
1. “Do it yourself”
This is where the separating couple can sit round the kitchen table, reach an agreement yourselves on what you want to do both practically (such as who will look after the children) and financially (which may involve housing etc) and then want the lawyers to deal with the formalities of divorce, and the all-important obtaining of the court approval to the arrangement they have reached financially, to make sure it is binding. Many people follow this route. But do make sure you understand what you are doing, what your rights and liabilities are, before you reach an agreement as if the terms are not going to be possible for some legal reason, it is hard for you to “undo” them. You may want support from a counsellor or therapist if you are finding the changes difficult to cope with.
2. Mediation
This involves the couple working with a mediator, or two co-mediators, to reach agreement on all the issues that face them. For many separating couples, communication is one of the main problems so having a neutral third party (not a family member, who is seldom going to be neutral) help to work out what is fair is a very good way to deal with things. You will still need some formal paperwork and advice – for the actual divorce if you are married, and for that all important legally binding documentation. Many unmarried couples find the legal position does not reflect their own family life, and use mediation to redress some of the imbalances. Again, it is not unusual to use some outside therapeutic support. Our department contains an accredited mediator.
3. Collaborative process
Here each of the separating couple has their own lawyer, and the work is done in roundtable meetings, with both lawyers and the couple present. The aim is to reach an agreement based not so much on principles but on the interests of the couple – which may be that they want to have an amicable divorce, that they want to protect their children and themselves from the stress of court proceedings etc. The couple enter into an agreement at the outset with both lawyers, that if any of the four are unable to act collaboratively, for example hiding documents or relevant information, then the process collapses, those lawyers withdraw, and the couple are free to use lawyers in the more traditional way, including going to court. It is a completely private way of working, and provided there is a relatively high degree of trust, is very effective. Many couples use family consultants or counsellors to help address concerns such as anger management, issues relating to their parenting, or just support for the distress that is a common component of the change they are experiencing. This process is relatively new in England, and we have 3 collaboratively trained solicitors, all members of the International Academy of Collaborative Practitioners.
4. The Traditional Lawyer’s work
This involves lawyers each advising their client on his/her rights, and attempting to negotiate a settlement with the other person’s lawyer, leading to a binding legal agreement. Here there is always the possibility of going to court, where a judge will decide the outcome. Many family court hearings are now open to the press, although there are not many private cases where the press are interested. Court proceedings take a year to 18 months to resolve if you have to have a final hearing. The costs depend on various factors including the issues, the nature of the assets, and of course behaviour of the couple, as any obstructiveness will increase costs. You may have to use this route if there is domestic abuse, or if there are complex issues that cannot be resolved by discussion (for example family businesses, complex trust and estate issues, relocation of one of you abroad) although in about 90% of cases we deal with as a department, settlement is reached before a final hearing. We work closely with expert advisors, such as accountants, surveyors, independent financial advisors on pension etc. We have 5 lawyers who work in this way, all members of Resolution, the specialist body for family lawyers who work in a constructive way to resolve disputes.
We have a specialist website www.divorce-london.co.uk where you will find more free information. To arrange a meeting or to address a specific topic, do contact us directly.
Hazel Wright
Head of Family Law Department
Solicitor, Mediator and Collaborative Practitioner
